The Beginning to a Change - Our Love Story - My Happy Ending

During the years off and on I went to Church. I went to many Churches. One always seemed to stick out the most to me. I made friends with members and tried to stay busy with the activities and the friends I had there. There was this guy amongst the few guys that went to that Church that every time I passed him he always seemed to make me have a huge smile on my face. I never knew at the time that he would be the guy that I would marry and be sealed to for all eternity! I also didn't know I would go through many years of so much craziness before I would find that out and make my way back to him. During those years we would see each other at the Church activities and dance together at the Church dances. We would talk on the phone as well. Off and on during those years we were both dating other people. I knew I like him and had a feeling he liked me but at that time it wasn't such a wise idea for us to be dating each other since there was an age gap. He graduated High School and then went off to serve a mission in Roseville, California. For those couple of years we wrote to each other off and on and sent pictures to each other. Living completely opposite lives at the time... He had came home from his Mission. I at the time was living in Gilmer, Tx. I was at my rock bottom stage at the time. I was busy that night working at La Finca, a small Mexican Restaurant waiting tables when he decided to give me a call. He had called an old friend that I use to live with and she gave him my Mom's number which he then called to ask for me and she called me and told me that he had called. I told her to give him my cell number. So that night I rushed home to give him a call once I was off work. Over the next few days we talked for hours and we talked about everything in those few days. I knew in my gut that I needed to move back home ASAP. There was nothing left for me in Gilmer and I had all I could take of being the way I was. It was so LONELY! No matter how many "people" I had in my life it was straight up LONELY! A few days after I moved back home Adam came to visit me all the way down from Fort Worth for only a couple hours before he had to drive back and go to class. We knew right then and there that we could never be separated again even though he lived almost 3 hours away at the time. We dated for about 6 months. Those 6 months were hard having him live so far away! It got harder and harder each time he visited to watch him leave. And then he proposed!!! The proposal was very surprising because I had for months thought he would have done it already and wasn't expecting it after waiting a couple of months already. We went to go get take out Chinese and took it to the Rose Garden for a picnic. I thought we were out on a normal date.. nothing super special. Oh how I was wrong! I was so confused because a lady was parked beside our car and sitting in her car reading a book. I was laying out the blanket while Adam was in his trunk "looking for something". I was wondering why she kept laughing and smiling at me. I guess she was looking in her mirror and watching what Adam was doing in the trunk. We sat down after walking around and looking at all the pretty flowers. Adam started talking to me about a conversation he had with someone he was suppose to seek guidance from and so the way he was talking made me think he was breaking up with me and so I became very emotional and didn't want to listen to him any longer and the more he kept talking I realized he was actually proposing to me. I was SOOO confused!!!  So our happy moment kinda turned sad and then went happy again. He then showed me the ring and finally spit it all out and I of course said YES!!! I should specify that all through our relationship there was people who kept trying to break us apart as you could say... they would tell Adam how I am not good enough for him and how he needed to find someone who was on the same path as him and that wanted the same goals he did. But they didn't really know me and wouldn't calm down long enough to get to know me. They didn't know us as a couple and what we wanted out of our life together. So we had these people constantly trying to ruin our happiness. We got married 4 months later. We didn't want a long engagement as we have been living apart long enough and just wanted to start our lives together! We both moved into an apartment in Fort Worth since he had a more stable job there and my job was only a temporary position. August 14, 2004 was the day we officially started our journey together!

The Freedom - The Rebelling - The Daddy Issues

I have postpone writing this part this long because its the hardest for me to want to share with you, my readers. I have taken pride in keeping this part of my life away and unknown from many who know me for who I am this current day because I am very ashamed of my actions and this is not the part I like to reflect upon. Its the part I still battle daily. I have repented for all that your going to find out about and even though you are suppose to repent and let go its just not that easy. This is the part that has scarred me the most emotionally and mentally.

As I mentioned in the ending of my last post that we had finally moved into a house of our own to start over without my dad. We were so excited and didn't care how small the house was. Our neighbor which was our landlord became a great blessing to our family even if she doesn't know it to this day. We started a new school. Tried to fit in and find our own place. It was hard. My mom worked a lot since she was the only income our family had. I basically had to take her place while she was gone and then when she was home she was so tired. I cooked dinner almost every night. Cleaning the house was mostly my job. My sisters had chores too but it always took them so long to do what they were suppose to. I learned a lot through these years of my responsibilities that I didn't realize I was learning at the time. We didn't have a lot of money so I was always having to learn to make do with the food we had. School was school. I tried to find my place there. I would float from group to group. I didn't really care who I was with as long as they accepted me. With that came a price though. I learned and was introduce to things. I wasn't taught or brought up in the church enough to know how to not give into these temptations. I didn't have the best example either as the reason my dad was the way he was most of the time was because of drugs and alcohol. It first started out with having to have a boyfriend and finally not be scared of being in trouble because of it. Then there was sleep overs with friends. Those sleepovers led to me being introduced to cigarets. I would hid it from my mother but my sisters knew of my smoking which later grew to their curiosity and wanting to be like their older sister. Later I started going to parties. I was introduced to drinking and drugs and being sexual. All of these things I was not taught to stay away from. I never had been given talks on how I will come across it and how to avoid it and that its a bad thing. Partying became my life. I went to school just to be sociable. I didn't ever have good grades... homework was never turned in. After school I would go to my boyfriend at the times house and all of his friends smoked pot and drank all the time. That was my life. My life was becoming an even bigger mess. I didn't know which was worse being back with my dad and him treating us the way he was or continuing to live my life partying, drinking, smoking, etc. The friends I kept weren't good friends at all. They became very dangerous to me. My boyfriend and I had broke up and it was very hard for me. I then was in search of any guy who would love me (or at least I thought they did). I became pregnant at the age of 16. What happened to me was something I wish no teenager had to ever face. The person I got pregnant by I was still with at the time. He was slightly abusive and controlling at times which caused me to loose my baby. I was almost 3 months along. I had no idea what I was going through and the damage it would bring me later on knowing I lost a baby and would never get to meet that precious baby and hold him or her in my arms. I feel guilty a lot of the times having my three children I do know and for living life so normal as if my other baby never existed. I also feel guilty for thinking of my loosing the baby being a blessing for me at the age of 16. I have no idea how my life would have turned out if I had to raise a baby and still had that person in my life. After I lost the baby I knew I had to end it with that person. I went to live with family to get away from the life I had created there. I was living back and forth between two families. I didn't change my ways. I still was searching to find someone who would love me and fulfill my emptiness feeling I had. I still partied all the time. I put the families that took me in in such stress that to this day I still feel guilty for and am so glad they have forgiven all of my mistakes and stress I brought to their family! I had really hit bottom! I wanted to change but didn't know a way out. I wasn't taught what to do once your basically living on your own.


All this time I didn't realize everything I did was what my sisters would watch and learn from. I didn't think about how they were struggling themselves to figure out how to live now that we had freedom from someone who kept us so scared for our whole life before. When I moved out of the house from where my sisters and my mother lived before living with other family I had lived with friends off and on because I couldn't keep on with my dad coming back and forth like he did when he wanted to. I knew my sisters would be safe but in their eyes I had left them. When I found out this is how they felt and realized I could have helped them to be better people its completely broke my heart. I feel guilty everyday for my selfish choices I made. I try to teach them to do better now that I am better but its too hard for them to see. Their set in their ways and wont listen until they themselves have finally hit rock bottom.

From the beginning- The childhood

This is my story. I will leave names out for the respect of others. I will not go into gory details and a lot might be left out but its for the best, you will still get the idea. I will try my best to tell you my life post by post. You might not agree with my writings and I may be too open for you but that is fine because I am the one who lived through this, not you. I have had many people hear my story and not want to befriend me anymore like I could help what happened to me or they judge me for it. I made a point to no longer tell my story to people because of this reason but this is the one place I feel like someone needs to hear it! There is so many people going through this right now and don't know a way out and are scared of what their going through. You might have gone through the same things and suffer from it and don't know how to move on and let the past be the past. If any of this refers to you please keep reading my blog! If you know anyone who has ever been a witness to such manners and you don't know how to help them, share this blog with them! Don't be ashamed and don't let them feel ashamed! You are loved and you will get through this!

Growing up I didn't have the childhood memories most would love to remember.  I spent most of my up bringing being scared of doing the wrong thing at all times. I was afraid to fall asleep that I might be woken up to my worst nightmares. I was scared to leave my mother alone. I had to protect her. I had to protect my sisters. My mom tried her best to protect me. She was in love. She was weak. She didn't know different. That life was all she knew and she was scared to death. All those things didn't make her strong enough to take her children and run and never look back. People would say, "How could she put her children through that life?" & "What kind of Mom is she to let someone do those things to her own children?". Don't judge unless you have been there. You don't know how hard it is. I blamed her for many years on top of blaming the one who did it all to us. Time and time again, leaving, going back, leaving and going back.... Our life story!

My Father was in and out of Jail and Prison. In and out of our lives. The time I felt the safest was when he was in Prison. I knew that for a couple years I didn't have to deal with the many things he brought to our family.

Most families celebrate and come together the most on Holidays and Birthdays but not our family. Just about every birthday and holiday started or ended with my dad physically abusing my mother or me. Nothing says Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas like a father treating you like a punching bag.

I would be on the bus on the way home from school and be scared to death to arrive at my stop. My stomach would be in knots and I would try to hide my tears from the other students. I didn't want to go home. I much rather stay at school and do work for the rest of my life than go home. Home was unsafe! I never knew what type of mood my Father would be in. Would he even be home? And if he wasn't home was he hiding in the woods to watch what we do while we think were alone? When I arrive home would he be angry because he had heard something I have done that he didn't approve of? What do I expect when I walk in that door? Our house was at the end of a dead end road and that walk home was the longest walk it seemed like. My heart beating 100 miles per hour with each step I took closer and closer to the house. My mother most of the time worked out of the home because my dad could never keep a constant income. So I knew the hours would be long when she finally would make it home. Most of the time we didn't have a telephone. So if something did happen I couldn't call my mom to ask her to rush home. When we did have a phone my father threaten that he had the phone tapped to where he could hear every call we made. I knew if I was to call my mom to ask her to come home that she would be next to be punished for taking up for me.

As I grew older I had a weird hunch that I was being watched when I was in my room and in the shower. I kept trying to tell myself it was all in my head but as days went by and the more I developed (which happened rather fast for me) I would notice things. Odd things. We would have random holes in our blinds in our room. I couldn't stop having a feeling that I was being watched. My mom would take the blinds down and put up a thick blanket. The next day... those would have holes in them too. One day I happened to look at the right time and I could see through the hole. There was my dad watching me as I was drying off and getting dressed after a shower. I couldn't let him know that I knew. I had to always pretend to be oblivious or I would pay the consequence. I would try to get dressed in the bathroom instead of my room or go in my closet to change. Well guess where there ended up holes at next... the bathroom blinds. I couldn't escape what was happening and had to deal with it. I was to scared to tell my mom or anyone else. My dad was a very known person in the small town we lived in and everyone told him everything! If I breathed he would know! There would be nights I would wake up to my father hanging over me. I don't know what he did while I was sleeping. But when I would scream out of being frightened my mom would come in and he would play it off by holding a mask and telling my mom he was just trying to play a trick on me and scared me. I COULD NOT EVEN SLEEP WITHOUT WORRYING I WAS BEING EVADED.

I tried to have a boyfriend during the years but I was always scared my father would find out. He would search my backpack on most days when I came home to see if he could find any "love" letters. If he found one he would read it and then I got the belt or whatever he could find at the time. It wasn't that he was punishing me for "having a boyfriend at my age". He was jealous of me having a boyfriend in a sick sick way! A way that no father should ever think of their daughter.

The Middle school Principal that never liked him dating and being married to my mother, yes she was my mom's Principal too would allow my dad to come up to the school and search my locker for anything he could use to be mad at me. She then let him call me to the office and take me home. This was the only place I felt safe! The people that were suppose to protect me! Everyone in the town knew how my father was and NEVER did anything to stop him.

I didn't get to go many places like most kids did. I wasn't allowed to go to friends houses or have sleep overs. The only time I got to was to people my dad knew well and they would tell him anything I did while I was there. I wanted to have friends come to my house but was always embarrassed and nervous of something happening while they were there... and it did.


I had two babysitters (that I know of) that I found out he cheated on my mom with while they were "babysitting" us. One told me point blank while showing me her diary. She was barely much older than me.

I want to make it clear that there is a lot of talk about ME. I had two younger sisters. One who partially remembers things that happened growing up. The other who is so oblivious to what was going on because she was so young. She was a daddies girl and still to this day is no matter how much she will deny it. I understand though. She doesn't remember. I'm glad she doesn't have those memories of him. I hardly ever remember my sisters getting anything close to what I got from my dad. For some reason I was the one who got all the beatings and other things. I was fine with that though. I had to protect my sisters and if they did something to make him mad I would tell him it was me who did it.

One day my dad had found another letter of mine from a boy. He told me to go get in the shower. He made me leave the door cracked so he could see in the mirror. I could see him through the mirror as well staring at me while I tried to shower. He was not dressed. When I went to get out of the shower more things happened that I will never be able to get out of my head... He left after I fought him off of me. I called my mom and cried and begged for her to come home. He had told me before leaving that if I was to tell anyone he would kill me. I didn't tell my mom once she got home. I just played it off and kept quite. For two days I didn't tell anyone... One day in band class I told one of my friends who I thought I could trust. She ran and told a friend of the family that worked at the school. I was so mad at her at the time for telling but if she wouldn't then I don't know how much longer things would have gone on. The lady that worked at the school came and pulled me out of the class took me in the custodial room and asked me about it. I told her no at first it wasn't true but she asked again and I couldn't help but to let it all out finally. She sent me back to class after I cleaned my face all up. Then after an hour or so I was pulled out of class again. I was told to wait in the counselors office. I believe they made a call to my mom and made her come to the school for me to tell her everything. Then police escorted us home and told us to pack what we can in 10 minutes and to leave to go somewhere safe. I was so terrified that he would come home while we were packing as many times he would and make us stay to where we couldn't leave. But not this time.

We left and went to my Granny's house where we always would go. He would find us and track us down like he always did. And he did! For a year and half we had to keep dealing with him coming back time after time and we would call the police every time. My mom told me she would never go back but one day he convinced her to try again. He took us from my Granny's house. My Granny tried her best to keep me there, even called the police but they told her she couldn't do anything. I had to go with them. We stayed at a hotel for a week and half. He swore he changed and he was better. But it didn't last even two weeks. We eventually made our way back to my Granny's house. Soon moved into our own house in a town close by my Granny and tried to start over. We did start over. He would show up every now and then and try to hurt us again. I would run next door to call the cops every time. This went on for a year or more....

More to continue in next post.