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Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Being me is not such a bad thing...

I have been in a funk for a long while lately. I haven't wrote much because I didn't want to put it out there and even if I did I didn't even and still dont know how to explain what I am feeling. I am trying, constantly trying to heal myself and over come that funk. I think part of me, with reliving so much of the past started focusing on all the negatives in my life/past. I have also been through ALOT of changes in the last year and half. I ended my at home business that I built and continued successfully for almost 3 years and it didn't exactly end in a great way. I had just had enough of all that came with running that type of business. I had to learn how to feel successful in what I now had which was  my family. I of course truly was always successful with raising my family but it was such a difference of not knowing what to do with myself since I didn't have any other responsibilities but to be with my family and enjoy them. Then I went through winging my youngest off breastfeeding and co sleeping. That in itself is a huge change. While at the time I thought I was relieving myself of alot of stress by doing that for myself so that I could actually be away from him for more than a few hours at a time. Our bond was so strong since I was able to nurse him. He was always on me whether he was nursing or I was wearing him in my wrap that he loved so much. No one ever tells you of the difficult time you can have once you realize that your child you weaned no longer needs only you too be happy.  Soon after Christmas my husband came home to tell me one of the scariest things that has happened in our marriage so far... that he soon would be out of a job. The company he had been with for over 5 years was selling and basically going out of business. We had never been through figuring out what to do when loosing a job. Adam hadn't had finished his schooling so basically he was selling his experience as all he had to offer when interviewing. We were offered a nice package that would last us a few months but after that if he didn't find another job we were out of ideas how to keep our family a float alone with no help. Luckily and only because of tons of prayers daily by ourselves and others close to us Adam went straight from one job to another with no gap in between. He was offered two jobs. One would put us moving to another state that we would be the minority. The other was around the same area of his job that he was leaving. We prayed and talked to both companies with many discussions so that we would make the right decision for our family. Our stomachs just both told us no about the job out of state. Which soon after telling them our decision we were glad to of made that choice and were proved that our choice was right with the rudeness of their reaction. Soon after our choice our family decided to go forward with our first purchase of a home. We had no idea what a crazy whirlwind we were getting our-self into. Since Adam was at work most of the time I had to handle the stressful phone calls and tons of paper work and gathering of all the tons of information that came with going with a USDA loan. It was a good 6 months of going through that. I dont make many friends usually just because I am so busy with my family and its always hard to find someone that just fits with my long list of pickiness of what I expect out of a friend ;) But I did have one REALLY good friend that I was leaving behind and going to be an hour away from. She was someone I could call up anytime I needed something. Someone I could plan on hanging out with every day by the pool or at the park in our apartments. Her daughter and my daughter were best friends. Our husbands liked to hang out together while we were together. Which that doesn't happen very often since my husband is the type of person who doesn't need friends to be happy like I do. Our families were together all the time. So moving to a completely new area from city to the country was all new to me. I didn't know anyone!!! The people in my new church ward were all so different from any other ward we have been too. They were all laid back and "normal" haha... sounds sad huh that I am not use to that?! I'm use to being around people much much older than me. That their all in different stages of life than me. That I always felt like I had to be prim and proper around ALL THE TIME <~ no offense if your from those wards and reading this. But in this new Church family they had fun and acted silly most of the time and I didn't know how to act. I have for so long forgotten how to have fun. How weird is that?! The first week of me meeting all my new church friends they had a party and were all playing the Kinect dance games. Now if you know me from "the days" you know I danced and danced ALOT but for some reason I couldn't let myself go and have fun. I was SO UNCOMFORTABLE!!! So since then I have been trying to learn how to live in my "new" skin and find my personality again... build my confidence back up. Its been SOOOO hard and such an emotional time! I am no where close to finished but little by little I learn a  little more about myself.

Friday, February 15, 2013

How can you NOT know that He is with you every step of the way?

I know I am jumping ahead on my blogging and not following a set plan of any sorts. I have thought many times about which direction I want to keep going on with this blog. What point am I trying to put out to my "audience/readers"? What topic do I want to do next? Am I putting out my opinions that aren't wanted and going to frustrate a reader and make them not want to keep coming and read my blog? So bare with me as I jump around from topic to topic and probably make you feel like I am leaving gaps and sorts but I'm writing on the times I feel I most need to write. There are times I come to write a new post and never finish it and never publish them and its probably best that way because most of those are written out of my frustration with people and life at the time. So now that you know kinda what has been going through my head in between now and my last published post I want to tell you and others about an experience I had. Again, I know I am skipping ALOT of years by writing this post but I will get back to the rest when I feel guided too :)

First of all, I cant remember if I have actually came out in any of my posts to tell you who I am ... Who I am NOW, Who I have grown to be after my getting married and GROWING UP. Alot of people who think they know me ... like REALLY know me because they "grew up with me"... they really dont know me at all anymore! I have actually had a hard time with that lately because those people are who have hurt me the most lately out of all the people out there! But that is a whole other post that will probably come later on. Back to WHO I AM. I am from The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-day Saints. I kinda grew up in the Church but never studied more about my Church until after getting married and learning more about myself and what I wanted for myself. So with that said if I ever say anything in my writings and your confused you could probably find the answers here: You will understand why I say all of this after your finished reading this entire post.

If your keeping up with all of my posts from beginning to now you will know that my mom and dad are now divorced and have been for a very long time. My mom has finally met someone who makes her happy and they have been together for quite a while now. Well I had the pleasure of attending their very special wedding on Valentines Day! My Mom has been going through some changes of her own and I am very proud of her and for her to see who she is growing to be. YES!!! She is a grown woman but that doesn't mean she stops growing as a person at a certain age. I feel like no one ever stops growing. You can always evolve/change into a new person anytime as long as your opening yourself to those changes. This man that has came into her life isn't just any man. Which that probably was my first reaction to knowing she was dating someone. I remember telling her... "don't tell him how you feel all on the first night.. its all going to be overwhelming for you and you need to make him have to wait it all out little by little." or "I don't need some guy coming in here and acting like I need a Father because I already have one and don't need another and I am a grown person and don't need all of that." Yes I know! I really said that last one and I'm kicking myself for acting like a "spoiled brat" like that. Anywhoo... Over the months I have grown to really like and respect this guy my Mom was dating. He has really turned my Mom into someone I can look to and be proud of even more than before. He has my Mom going to Church... even though its still not the Church I'd like to see her go to but hey... she is going and in the right direction so that is good enough for me right now. There has been times I have really been down and out and even though I usually just go to my husband Adam for that because he is my best friend and really most of the time the only person I need but at times I really just needed my MOM. I would talk to my Mom and after a while I would get sweet uplifting messages from this guy, his name is Ottie. Well these messages are things that my own Father has NEVER not even close said to me! Things that if I have heard over the years of my life probably would have saved me from having all the issues I had. He (Ottie) has truly stepped up to the plate without any intentions of trying to replace my Father or try to be that Father figure for me. Just out of the compassion of his big heart! I never really told Adam about these messages until today. Because I at the time didn't know how much they would mean to me until recently. I'm sure there is alot more moments that I'm leaving out on how I've grown close to Ottie but those messages and him respecting me for who I am and loving me as his own family just mean the most to me.

All during the wedding rehearsal and wedding shower I'd get a little teary eyed here and there and some people would look at me like "Why isn't she as emotional as she should be about all of this?" It just never really fully hit me at those times.

Today my husband asked me "so I have been wanting to ask you... why were you crying at the wedding on the stage? I mean I know you have your reasons for crying but I just want to understand what was going through your head at that time to make you cry because I didn't know how to comfort you correctly and didn't want to pretend I knew what was going through your head." After he asked me that I was thinking there was probably alot of other people that were in the crowd that had no idea why I was crying too. I mean this wasn't just your normal wedding cry. This was a full on cry that was probably an ugly cry lol! Pretty ashamed it got that bad but I really couldn't help it! After explaining to him everything that was going through my head at that time and after our whole conversation I told him that I REALLY wanted my Mom and Ottie and even others that don't get to know truly everything that goes on WHY I WAS A BLUBBERING MESS haha! I'm not good at putting it into words how I truly feel at all times so I figured this was a much better route so I don't forget anything. Also when talking to my husband he mentioned something to me that he learned from my experience that day. So he will be sharing what he learned in the next post I will publish because I really do love what he said and think more people need to hear it!

During the wedding as I was up on the stage in front of everyone I was fine. "Yay my mom is getting married ... oh my feet are hurting... man now my back is killing me... ya da ya da ya da..." Oh the fun things that go through my head haha! But I started thinking deeper. They sang this song together towards the end of the wedding ceremony. The words in that song... let me tell you! My thoughts got deeper and deeper... "My mom is FINALLY happy! She is FREE! She is in LOVE! Were FREE! Were all HAPPY! I cant believe all that we went through in our life! This is a new start for all of us! This guy actually feels like a Father to me! The things he has told me that he feels about me... he cares about me! He loves me!!!" This song speaks for all the emotions I was feeling at that time.

They sang this song together and it was BEAUTIFUL to hear them both sing it together. It really fit them!!! They both have had a past that they have learned tremendously from. Everytime I would hear these lyrics:

"My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me."

My heart just melted and I felt the Spirit SOOO strongly! I cant even express enough of how I felt. I wished everyone could feel what I felt. If you would have felt what I felt and ever had doubts that there was a God and a plan for all of us you wouldn't have any doubts after that! I felt as if God was holding me at that moment and telling me that ALL I have gone through growing up ... all my mistakes... all of my burdens... sadness.. loneliness... insecurities... pain and hurt was for THIS MOMENT!!!! To stand there that day and watch my Mom get married to this amazing guy that loves her so much and treats her with so much respect. She finally has and understands exactly what I have in my marriage!!! I seriously wanted to just fall to the floor at that point. I tried to control my crying. I JUST COULDN'T!!! My heart and shoulders became so lightened at that moment but my heart was so full at the same time! As we all walked down the isle to leave out of the wedding ceremony people all over were crying and telling me they loved me so much and I hope that they were feeling my emotions that I was experiencing during that special moment. And if so ... it is amazing how many people the spirit can touch all at one time!!!

I really wished that my sisters would have been there to hopefully of felt that same feeling that I was able to experience. Unfortunately they weren't. They chose their own ways of life instead of being there for that special day.

I hope that as my Mom & Ottie read this on their honeymoon this helps them in CELEBRATING their new life together!!! I love you both so very much!!!