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Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Being me is not such a bad thing...

I have been in a funk for a long while lately. I haven't wrote much because I didn't want to put it out there and even if I did I didn't even and still dont know how to explain what I am feeling. I am trying, constantly trying to heal myself and over come that funk. I think part of me, with reliving so much of the past started focusing on all the negatives in my life/past. I have also been through ALOT of changes in the last year and half. I ended my at home business that I built and continued successfully for almost 3 years and it didn't exactly end in a great way. I had just had enough of all that came with running that type of business. I had to learn how to feel successful in what I now had which was  my family. I of course truly was always successful with raising my family but it was such a difference of not knowing what to do with myself since I didn't have any other responsibilities but to be with my family and enjoy them. Then I went through winging my youngest off breastfeeding and co sleeping. That in itself is a huge change. While at the time I thought I was relieving myself of alot of stress by doing that for myself so that I could actually be away from him for more than a few hours at a time. Our bond was so strong since I was able to nurse him. He was always on me whether he was nursing or I was wearing him in my wrap that he loved so much. No one ever tells you of the difficult time you can have once you realize that your child you weaned no longer needs only you too be happy.  Soon after Christmas my husband came home to tell me one of the scariest things that has happened in our marriage so far... that he soon would be out of a job. The company he had been with for over 5 years was selling and basically going out of business. We had never been through figuring out what to do when loosing a job. Adam hadn't had finished his schooling so basically he was selling his experience as all he had to offer when interviewing. We were offered a nice package that would last us a few months but after that if he didn't find another job we were out of ideas how to keep our family a float alone with no help. Luckily and only because of tons of prayers daily by ourselves and others close to us Adam went straight from one job to another with no gap in between. He was offered two jobs. One would put us moving to another state that we would be the minority. The other was around the same area of his job that he was leaving. We prayed and talked to both companies with many discussions so that we would make the right decision for our family. Our stomachs just both told us no about the job out of state. Which soon after telling them our decision we were glad to of made that choice and were proved that our choice was right with the rudeness of their reaction. Soon after our choice our family decided to go forward with our first purchase of a home. We had no idea what a crazy whirlwind we were getting our-self into. Since Adam was at work most of the time I had to handle the stressful phone calls and tons of paper work and gathering of all the tons of information that came with going with a USDA loan. It was a good 6 months of going through that. I dont make many friends usually just because I am so busy with my family and its always hard to find someone that just fits with my long list of pickiness of what I expect out of a friend ;) But I did have one REALLY good friend that I was leaving behind and going to be an hour away from. She was someone I could call up anytime I needed something. Someone I could plan on hanging out with every day by the pool or at the park in our apartments. Her daughter and my daughter were best friends. Our husbands liked to hang out together while we were together. Which that doesn't happen very often since my husband is the type of person who doesn't need friends to be happy like I do. Our families were together all the time. So moving to a completely new area from city to the country was all new to me. I didn't know anyone!!! The people in my new church ward were all so different from any other ward we have been too. They were all laid back and "normal" haha... sounds sad huh that I am not use to that?! I'm use to being around people much much older than me. That their all in different stages of life than me. That I always felt like I had to be prim and proper around ALL THE TIME <~ no offense if your from those wards and reading this. But in this new Church family they had fun and acted silly most of the time and I didn't know how to act. I have for so long forgotten how to have fun. How weird is that?! The first week of me meeting all my new church friends they had a party and were all playing the Kinect dance games. Now if you know me from "the days" you know I danced and danced ALOT but for some reason I couldn't let myself go and have fun. I was SO UNCOMFORTABLE!!! So since then I have been trying to learn how to live in my "new" skin and find my personality again... build my confidence back up. Its been SOOOO hard and such an emotional time! I am no where close to finished but little by little I learn a  little more about myself.

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