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Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Freedom - The Rebelling - The Daddy Issues

I have postpone writing this part this long because its the hardest for me to want to share with you, my readers. I have taken pride in keeping this part of my life away and unknown from many who know me for who I am this current day because I am very ashamed of my actions and this is not the part I like to reflect upon. Its the part I still battle daily. I have repented for all that your going to find out about and even though you are suppose to repent and let go its just not that easy. This is the part that has scarred me the most emotionally and mentally.

As I mentioned in the ending of my last post that we had finally moved into a house of our own to start over without my dad. We were so excited and didn't care how small the house was. Our neighbor which was our landlord became a great blessing to our family even if she doesn't know it to this day. We started a new school. Tried to fit in and find our own place. It was hard. My mom worked a lot since she was the only income our family had. I basically had to take her place while she was gone and then when she was home she was so tired. I cooked dinner almost every night. Cleaning the house was mostly my job. My sisters had chores too but it always took them so long to do what they were suppose to. I learned a lot through these years of my responsibilities that I didn't realize I was learning at the time. We didn't have a lot of money so I was always having to learn to make do with the food we had. School was school. I tried to find my place there. I would float from group to group. I didn't really care who I was with as long as they accepted me. With that came a price though. I learned and was introduce to things. I wasn't taught or brought up in the church enough to know how to not give into these temptations. I didn't have the best example either as the reason my dad was the way he was most of the time was because of drugs and alcohol. It first started out with having to have a boyfriend and finally not be scared of being in trouble because of it. Then there was sleep overs with friends. Those sleepovers led to me being introduced to cigarets. I would hid it from my mother but my sisters knew of my smoking which later grew to their curiosity and wanting to be like their older sister. Later I started going to parties. I was introduced to drinking and drugs and being sexual. All of these things I was not taught to stay away from. I never had been given talks on how I will come across it and how to avoid it and that its a bad thing. Partying became my life. I went to school just to be sociable. I didn't ever have good grades... homework was never turned in. After school I would go to my boyfriend at the times house and all of his friends smoked pot and drank all the time. That was my life. My life was becoming an even bigger mess. I didn't know which was worse being back with my dad and him treating us the way he was or continuing to live my life partying, drinking, smoking, etc. The friends I kept weren't good friends at all. They became very dangerous to me. My boyfriend and I had broke up and it was very hard for me. I then was in search of any guy who would love me (or at least I thought they did). I became pregnant at the age of 16. What happened to me was something I wish no teenager had to ever face. The person I got pregnant by I was still with at the time. He was slightly abusive and controlling at times which caused me to loose my baby. I was almost 3 months along. I had no idea what I was going through and the damage it would bring me later on knowing I lost a baby and would never get to meet that precious baby and hold him or her in my arms. I feel guilty a lot of the times having my three children I do know and for living life so normal as if my other baby never existed. I also feel guilty for thinking of my loosing the baby being a blessing for me at the age of 16. I have no idea how my life would have turned out if I had to raise a baby and still had that person in my life. After I lost the baby I knew I had to end it with that person. I went to live with family to get away from the life I had created there. I was living back and forth between two families. I didn't change my ways. I still was searching to find someone who would love me and fulfill my emptiness feeling I had. I still partied all the time. I put the families that took me in in such stress that to this day I still feel guilty for and am so glad they have forgiven all of my mistakes and stress I brought to their family! I had really hit bottom! I wanted to change but didn't know a way out. I wasn't taught what to do once your basically living on your own.

All this time I didn't realize everything I did was what my sisters would watch and learn from. I didn't think about how they were struggling themselves to figure out how to live now that we had freedom from someone who kept us so scared for our whole life before. When I moved out of the house from where my sisters and my mother lived before living with other family I had lived with friends off and on because I couldn't keep on with my dad coming back and forth like he did when he wanted to. I knew my sisters would be safe but in their eyes I had left them. When I found out this is how they felt and realized I could have helped them to be better people its completely broke my heart. I feel guilty everyday for my selfish choices I made. I try to teach them to do better now that I am better but its too hard for them to see. Their set in their ways and wont listen until they themselves have finally hit rock bottom.


  1. I'm sorry that you didn't have better role models to look up to growing up. At least you have turned your life around and hopefully your sisters will realize how much they can learn from your past and present.

  2. Thanks Brandy! I hope that they will learn one day. Right now they dont want to learn from my mistakes and want to make the mistakes themselves but I'm sure I was the same way if anyone tried to tell me different back then. I only wished growing up that I would have had an older sibling to seek advice from or learn from because all this figuring it all out on my own stuff is hard ;)


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